10 Ways to Identify a Writer

I've always liked creating my own lists, but surprisingly I have never made one about writers. Well, here's my shot at it and a funny cartoon for your entertainment...

1.      They are control freaks. It comes from being able to decide what every one of their characters is going to say, do, and react to certain situations. They may often feel god-like in their attempts to torture and surprise their characters.

2.      They don’t work as fast as God. God created the world in seven days. It takes a writer weeks, months, years, or eternity to create a world.

3.      They know their main character better than they know themselves.

4.      They bring up topics such as grammar, syntax, and diction at “inappropriate” times and they sincerely believe that they can make other people interested.

5.      Their idea of working is staring at a blank page, the ceiling, or out a window for hours.

6.      They can identify a cliché and dead metaphor without thinking twice. It’s as easy as pie, or 123 and ABC. It’s like riding a bike, falling off a log, like a knife through hot butter, like shooting ducks in a pond, fish in a barrel, a no brainer, piece of cake, child’s play, a slam dunk. You get the picture.

7.      They need no training to do their job. It is an innate gift from the heavens above and the hells below.

8.      When they hear voices in their head, they listen and say things back. But they’re not like crazy people or anything.

9.      When they feel incapable of performing, it is not because they have run out of ideas or simply don’t know what to do next. Instead, a giant, evil, monster of a block has placed itself between the writer and their story (metaphorically speaking, of course). This block is a plague, sucking the creative energy from these angelic people. It is a demonic mutant, choking the like from the writer’s fingers, preventing them from penning or typing a single word.

10.  They are also melodramatic.