10 Notes for a Villain

1.      Please live in a not-so-secret underground lab, a dark and spooky castle, or a cave on your own deserted island.

2.      Please do wear black with goggles, lab coats, trench coats, capes, top hats, masks, clown makeup, velvet suits, eye liner, pointy shoes, and/or metal spikes.

3.      If you must hire your own sidekick/assistant, they should either be shorter than you (preferably at or below legal midget size), smarter than you (preferably with a sarcastic wit), or deformed (preferably hunchbacked.) Their name should also be of Scandinavian origins, such as Igor, or ridiculously simply, like Fred.

4.      When spying on your hero, please choose a potted plant or column of some sort to hide behind and/or simply disguise yourself with a ball cap and sunglasses.

5.      If you ever need your hero to be in a specific spot, at a specific time, please capture their love interest/sidekick and explain what the hero must do to get them back in either a cryptic ransom note or phone call.

6.      Please refrain from standing under chandeliers and pianos. They have a habit of falling from the sky and squishing villains.

7.      Before carrying out your plan, please explain said plan to your hero so that they may stay one step ahead of you at all times.

8.      Once you are done explaining any of your evil plans, please cackle loudly. This gives your hero just enough time to stop you from pressing the big red button, using your death ray, and/or raising an army or zombies or robots.

9.      Whenever you happen to capture your hero, and are seconds away from killing them, please pause for just a moment and give a rousing speech about how you thought this day would never come. This will give your hero just enough time to escape.

10.  Finally, never, I repeat, never actually kill your hero. If you kill them, the series ends and you will no longer be famous.